Addicted to Yoga
"Oh no - I'm addicted to Yoga" me, 2001
It had never crossed my mind that "healthy" habits themselves can also be addictions, until 2001, that is, when my Yogic world was turned inside out at the Krishnamacharya Yoga Mandiram. Not only was I addicted to Yoga, but in the throes of my Yoga addiction, I was also plagued with other addictive behaviors. Approaching Yoga with an addictive mindset perpetuated further addictions. As mindset work, we are honing mental states and behavioral tendencies that spread into our lives. I was wondering why Yoga was not diminishing by fervor for various vices nor addressing emotional constrictions - it was the perfect storm of a wrong practice and a wrong approach. It’s never too late to bow out of the cycles of pleasure and pain, and prevent future suffering.
I've heard countless times that certain addictions are superior and others are inferior. Sure, Yoga is healthier than alcohol, but addiction's vicious cycle of pleasure seeking and pain reaping wears down the nervous system, mind and body. The object we desire has dominion over us. Our agency is gone. The shoes beg us to buy them. The cigarette screams, “smoke me.” We reach out to the unsuitable love interest. The chocolate seduces us to put it in our mouth. The alcohol lures us to drink it. The phone to check the likes. The Urdhva Dhanurasana to do it, even when our back hurts. When they consume, seduce, take over, and control us, rather than us choosing them. We get the rush, and then the crash, regret, self-loathing.
What happens when we don’t get what we want was how Krishnamacharya determined progress on the path of Yoga. When do daily trips to the gym, controlling the behaviors of family members, daily walks, and yes, Yoga, constitute an addiction? How do we react when they are restricted, removed or altered? If we don’t get the desired outcome and we are on the continuum of distraught, this must be a sign. The fix is gone or unavailable, and uncomfortable with whatever traumatic residue we are avoiding healing, we seek to self medicate, again and again.
But..Yoga? Yoga addiction itself is oxymoronic - it’s not possible to be addicted to Yoga, the state. It’s premise revolves around a novel, perceptual phenomenon whereby the wise, illuminated inner being is choosing our direction, rather than ignorance, desire, ego, aversion or fear motivating us to act. Learning and leaning into the second chapter of the Yoga Sutra-s required an irreversible life and practice trajectory alteration and reexamination: are these practices supporting or hindering a balanced state of mind, not just comparitively and momentarily, but progressively and sustainably?
My ashtanga Yoga practice was most certainly an addiction, and it’s alluring remnants remain today. Not only did the perceived quality of my practice hinge on whether I could do my tic tocks, maricyasana Ds, etc, but my self worth did, too. How completely un Yogic, until I realized it and committed to a practice that nurtured all of me, not just parts. Unrequited desires lead to aversion which lead to suffering. And the moment I gave up my daily ashtanga practice, when my teacher gave me my new practice I asked for, I cried. It felt like divorce. And a new, intentional relationship, a healthier one, a partnership for self-healing.